Day39 Mad

I am not really mad but come o,n why do we have to do the same things over and over and over.  I set myself up again.  In my comedy class I just thought I was so good at comedy and wrote all this stuff and was really excited about it.  I was scared, out of my body, felt horrible and think I made a fool out of myself.  I ask the universe for help.  Does it really matter?  No so why the f*&k do I do it so much and it stings so deep and so long.  I want to hit people, I get mad.   Most mad at myself for setting myself up.  I do it over and over and over and over.   My songs my writing, my singing.   I really feel right now that I am not good enough at anything.   That is just not too much fun.  I can do a little of a lot and not one thing really really well.  I could act very very well when I was doing that but now I am so out of shape emotionally and don't really want to go there emotionally when you need too.   And I have anxiety attacks and I am afraid that I can't remember the words.  With all the practice I do and I am still a mess and it is nobody's fault bit my own.  Sixty f&&king years old and still having these issues is not a way that I want this year to turn out.   I ask for universal help.  I feel like I am not pleasing people either.  Am I dropping the ball on things?  Help me understand how I can make this work a little easier for me..  Who am I kidding.