Day 38 Where Does It Go

OMG  I fall back into the depths of ego, of feeling less than.  Caring what others think of me.  Of thinking I am too cool    I like to dress up and it may put people off.  I am so confident then wham  Where does it GO?????  I am so f"cking pissed inside.  I am so disappointed and I turned to food.  I stuffed food down my stomach.  Down my throat to fill me up.   I fell untalented, I feel defeated and disappointed.  I have to pull back.  I don't want to pull back and I felt so over the top and critical of myself.  Is this the leftovers from this morning?  I felt judged and it was in me more than out there.  I want to be funny, I want to be funny.  I want to be funny, I want to be original.   I over sang my song.  I just hated the whole thing...Is that tonight or what is going to happen.  Change in plans over and over and over and i am loosing my privacy and have to share my home.  I really have lots to work on don't I??  Is it getting close to my birthday, a big one or is it the Full Moon.  What ever it is, I don't like it.  I don't want to go back to the bad bad habits of being bad.  It truly doesn't matter what I did tonight.