Day 60 Power

It is the 60th day of the year.  I am 60 years old.   I need to have more power.  I need to know how to ground my energy and get things done.  I can do things for others so I have to learn to do it for me.  Can I?  I can do things for others,  I take risks for others etc.  I have to take risks for me.  What is next.  I am looking for Power. Is that what I need?  How do I learn to do that?  Help me.

Day 59 Buying

I really realized that I always want to buy something to make me feel a certain way.   And even if I have a project that I want to do I will buy something to go with that project and never do it.  What is up with that.   It really is a point of awareness.  I want a motor cycle and why I really want one is the way it makes me feel.  Can I feel like that without the cycle?  I have bought many a notebook for a new project.  And forgot what the project was and go buy at least 2 or more notebooks for the same project.  I love to buy.  It has been a habit from many years ago.  That is why we want a bigger house, a cooler car, a new outfit.  Because it may make you feel a certain way for a little while.  I wanted to buy many things today for my new bathroom to make it feel the way I want it to feel.  buying buying buying.   I will notice this habit.  I will do something else instead of that habit for a while.   I stopped drinking because it wasn't very good for my life.  This buying isn't any better for my life than drinking.  I buy clutter and get rid of clutter,  I am a behind the door clutterer but most people have got to see my clutter lately.  I guess that is a good thing.  I am not hiding it any more.   Let us be free like the motorcycle makes me feel.  Thank you...

Day 58 Yuck

I feel Yuck.  I really wanted this day to be a great day.  I feel like puking.  I hate everyone and I don't feel I have done anything for me.  OK I feel better after eating with my son for my birthday dinner.  I feel better after watching the Voice.  And what is weird I really want to put my song on the computer as I just learned how to do that the other night, but the TV is addicting.  I use it as an excuse.  I really want to get in the hot tub too, but I can't miss the singing on this night.   Love ya.....me

Day 57 Oscars

Birthday for my sister and the scars.  What a great day.  Cooper and I had a blast this morning we got along great.  He went to the Center with me and we had a really special time and he didn't whine.  I have been eating too much in the excitement of all.  I had two or three things that I definitely wanted to do today and I didn't get them done, mainly because I ran out of time.  No I was watching the red carpet.  I still have time to do some of the stuff.  Like the dishes.  I will keep the blog going while the Oscars are going and while I catch up with some of the things that I wanted to do today. Still going and I am doing different things while I watch.    Commercials are important.  wow, I saw a shot of people I didn't recognize and I thought to myself that they were nobodys.  Now that was a shocker even to myself.  I still have those kinds of thoughts.  They weren't anyone famous. Now they are almost over and it really isn't that late.  I guess I could try and get some of my own projects off the ground.  I guess doing what you love and never worrying about it gets you an academy awards.  Do what you love.  Well I did that and look where that got me.  It isn't to late to make a big comeback.  I need to change my state of mind.  I am feeling kind of lethargic and done with the night as the Oscars are over.  I get worried about my time and what I do with my time and the house and my projects and what will happen tomorrow the same as today and what about my scripts, my songs, my pictures.   On and On..... monkey mind is going crazy.  I need white paint to  start my picture.  I need my voice to sing my song on my computer.
Well I had better go and get my state of mind going...love.......me

Day 56 Focus

What are you Focused on?  I am going to follow that rule.   Work on it anyway. I have said I have given up on the simply believing you are going to get something because I think the plan the action and the movement towards what you want.  Determination and maybe hard work.  I am working hard and I would like to expand on the rewards.  Thanks..... A great night.  Sang good today also.  Letting go of these sadness attacks.  Crying like a baby.  And it is clearing me up...Love it.

Day 55 Work

Enough already.....I am tired of working.  I am wondering why the money isn't as glorious as I thought it would be.  I may see if I can get a different job.  I love my job but why not change it up.  I thought I might want to work for a graphic artists.   Let us see about that.  I came up with an idea this morning that I have made all the choices that got me here and I really didn't do them very consciously or going inside to see what I felt about a long term effect.  What if I had had a plan and was determined and stuck with it,  And had the money to do that.   I did make it to be on TV and movies and that is what I worked so hard to do.  But I had the money to spend at that time for that kind of intense workshops.  No going back.  Looking back and deciding what I liked about what I did and what I want to do different and to move forward with new information.  Why wallow is self pity or self loathing.  I give that up.  Yeah!!!

Day 54 Sang

Yes, Sang.  I had a huge breakthrough this morning.   During my Buddhist meditation on a cushion I explored my body sensations and got hooked up with the deep deep sounds that I have never made, and the shadow that I believed that was inside of me, it came out in a kind of strange gibberish like a foreign language.  You hide from pain and this was deep pain.  It was deep fear, it is my deep cough and it is a deep true singing voice.  Or my vocal capacity.  I sang in the car like I have never sang before.  i sang from a whole new place.  Whole, it sounded whole and connected and in tune, powerful, expressive and my perfect voice.   I crave it.  I am afraid I will never sing like it again.
It is all on the journey of my life and expression.   I was studying my voice again, on my own, by reading books and freeing up and finding new placements for my voice.  This then I got Adeles CD and I sang with it and found a deeper voice a more powerful voice inside me sometimes.   I loved it.  Adele is like a singing god to me sent to me only to help nurture my voice, my expression, my vocal output.  I believe these things all happened in alignment.  I haven't told anyone else but it is my deep feeling on this.  To connect to what I gave up years ago and to find it in the 2nd day after my 60th birthday is such a gift.  I am so so grateful and will seek to re capture this expression for myself and then share it with the world.  This was my greatest desire as a child.  To be a front person.  To sing, to talk to the crowd, to express myself through my voice. Thank you, I appreciate the shortest of moments to learn to give this gift that I have been given and the gift that I had hidden all my life.

Day 53 Now What

I left a part of me at the ocean.  I have asked to leave that part many times in my life.  The part that doubts me, that won't stand up for herself.  Anything like that. The great great ocean and spa along with a night without much sleep lead to a picture of a shadow of me walking towards the wild waves and leaving me.  I have always been like two people, I thought it was special to be so broken and hiding in my own self pity.  Well, that isn't what I am thinking now.  I must have lived the life that I was supposed to live.  That is hard for me to say.  We create our own reality well, where is my dreams and aspirations.  Either I didn't believe in them enough or I didn't do any work towards the goal. What goal?  Did I have a goal?  Was it clear?  Do I really know what I like the most?  I will keep looking for the answers to these questions and get in the groove.  Not the Grove.
Ha.  Well, this is the second day of the 60 year old.  I will not sabotage myself.  I won't hold a grudge towards the friends that didn't tell me happy birthday.  Or will I?  We will see.  

Day 52 Birth

Yes, this is the day I was born 60 years ago.  I could never have ever realized that I would make it this far.  I am very grateful.  I have a bad cough but I am not dieing.  What is my intention for this year?  What I have realized is that  dreaming and visualizing your dreams doesn't get them.  Working working and doing is the way to get that.  I didn't do that.  I didn't know that.  I cared about what others thought of me.  Is it too late baby to gain the great things that I may want.  NEVER!!

Day 51 Pre-Birth

Yes, I will be born early tomorrow morning.  i guess I need to wake up really early around the time I was born and put an intent for the rest of the year.  Sober and living my artistic life with acceptance and understanding. Knowing everyone has basic goodness and loving kindness, for myself, my spouse and everyone.  Oh to be happy as who I am.   To live in this body and love this body. To love others in their bodys. To embrace all that has happened not to doubt myself.   Please.      Love me  Happiest birthday ever.

Day 50 Emotion

Motion is Emotion.  Problems are our  biggest addiction.  Fear will wear out if you dance with it. love certainty  uncertainty(adventure) contribution significance and groping.  Tony Robbins.   Winter does happen life is a season.  Learned helplessness.

Day 49 Weather

Crazy weather, crazy thinking?   I really don't know what is on my mind today.  I got off to a rough start with no regular meditations or Yoga.  It was time to go to work before I knew it.  Barely got to eat breakfast.  The weather was sunny, rainy, sunny, hailing, wind, sun, it went on and on.  I really did sneak out and had some time to shop.  I didn't tell anyone.  And I spent almost 50 dollars and then charged at Costco.  It felt good, I hadn't had a moment to myself for a really long time.  Tomorrow I have too myself.  Yes, I have a day off tomorrow and I don't have to drive into town.  Unless Cooper wants to go.  But I thin khe will  like me just being home.  Wonder what the weather will be tomorrow.  I am so glad that I can type.  I am so glad that I have a home.  It is time to change the art in the living room.  What do I want in there.  Do I want more asian feel in there.  If I do I may need to panting a big Asian picture.   Maybe the cool tree picture I saw today.  I can make something like that.

Day 48 Surrender

I have to surrender I am ill of some sort.  This is going to be a long day.  I surrender to new things that I have found out about myself.  That I am more like my mother than I would ever ever want. Not the great things. The way she hd her feelings and hated what dad did.  I have learned how to do that.  I have done that with every man in my life. Like now. Let us have health and love and quiet mind please.  Birthday is coming.  Still sick but a little better I would think.....

Day 47 Puking

I puked and it was before work.  I had coughed so much that I puked.  And I really wanted too.  I thought if I could just  puke I would get that shit out of me.  Well that didn't get rid of it but I think I know what is going on.  It is the fear for my life and it is still in me.  I am angry and have no way to get this shit out of me.  I wish I did.  I wish I could get it out.  I think I am afraid to get rid of it.  OH, what a life we live.  Oh what suffering we can know.  Whitney Hustons life was filled with too much drama.   And she is gone.  Demi Moore isn't gone but she has so much drama in her life.  All these stars have too many dramas.  i guess it

Day 46 Cough

This is about a cough that just won't quite and one that is very annoying and I can't sleep with it.  I have to sit up.  Right now I am just wanting to go to bed.  Why can't I go to bed.  I will suffer through for others.  For the dog and for hubby.  This cough may be telling me something I have went to many doctors with these symptons and paid thousands of dollars and nothing.  I want to be quiet.  I want to be alone.  I want.  I want.  I want.
Sleep gives me quiet.  Except for all the lovely dreams that I have.   I want to rest, to be quiet.   And not cough.

Day 45 Dreams

I am wanting to live in my dream world sometimes more than the real world.  I have a band built around me I have men attracted to me. I make lots of money in fashion.  I do have to run a lot thought.  Lots of being chased.  But not as much as I was years ago.   I want to ride in my dreams.  Get my motorcycle and ride.  I think that would be the icing on the cake there.  I am doing many great things and feeling power and taking care of myself also.  Cooper is in my dreams a lot and is running around everywhere and I have to make sure he is safe.  That is hard.  I am just glad he is safe.  Comic class tonight and I really am going to be very humble, quiet and as for help.  I need better jokes.  Maybe I can do my top 10 lists they were pretty funny.   Help me universe.

Day 44 Right here

Right here Right now.  I have my feet down and I have a breath going in.  I am trying to write a few jokes for school, for my comedy class.  I have to let go of last week and surrender to the now and the next step.  Be positive for everyone and have some fun.   Tomorrow is valentines day and I don't have anything for my dear hubby.  Or my Coopie.  So what shall I do.  I am not sure right now.  Maybe a special meal.  I do that everyday.  Maybe a card, maybe a tattoo maybe a bean salad.  No I am just random right now.  IF I don't have my homework  OH well.  I am doing the best I can with the time that I have.  right here, right now.

Day 43 Home

Yes, we made it home.  We stopped at Costco and bought lots of food.  I cooked a great dinner and Cooper is glad that we are here.  We left him and had others stop by and be with the little one.  I missed him but it was very good for relationship to be with my husband without the dog.  So that I could try and be a little more understanding and accepting.  I have to learn how to live this life that I have don't I.  I want to live the life in my head, in my dreams,  lots of great stuff in there.  Well, I still will  allow the universe to make my decisions and still have those thoughts and dreams out there.  I want to serve mankind the best way that I can.  I want to be a leader.  I am so glad I am not distructive, or am I??  I still want to eat to much,  I want to spend too much.  Things that I don't need just that I want them,  I want them to make me feel better.  That is not what it is all about and I am taking a look at that.

Day 42 Shopping

Shopping Heaven in Seattle.  Yes, I love the colors and all.  Nordstroms was so so cool.   And my hubby bought me clothes at H&M  and I got 2 tops, a skirt and a leather coat. (fake)  But was so so fun.  We got to go on a train.  A Light link.   We went farther and farther and saw more and more, then came home a passed out for a nap and got ready for the party.  Angry hubby got us there.  I really woke up realizing that I was still the one that pushes the relationship away.  I do live in a world that no one knows about.  I am asking the universe for a motorcycle and I want to ride for all woman.  I want to ride Freda Amelia  That is my grandma.  She went blind and I didn't know her very well.  That is just one thing I want to do.  I want to travel across the US and be an inspiration for people.  I want to play music for people.  I want (none of those things are things that are in my life) (none of those things I have told my husband)  (I haven't told anybody anything). So I do live in a bubble.   I like  my bubble but I don't let others into this bubble.  Maybe I need to take a look at that.

Day 41 Go

Rock n Roll.....Yeah.  We went to Seattle to Rock Out and we did.   Met  up with some of our old Rock n Roll friends and it was awesome.  Vicki my old guitar player. Soozy, my friend. for over 30years of rock n roll, my niece and Jerry a guitar player for my hubbys band.  How much more than that.  I didn't even get to play my guitar.  Oh well.  We are home now.

Day 40 Get over it

I will probably repeat myself over an over in this blog, because I can.  I see how I have been living in a bubble and what is wrong with that.  As I see it it is way better than the angry people I see around me.  Is life really worth it.  Get over it, I say.   Just get up another day and do your best until there are no more days.  How will that be?  Have some fun and dress the way you want too.  I love you and a trip is coming up to a rock n roll weekend.  Enjoy and have some fun for God's sake.  Love again.

Day39 Mad

I am not really mad but come o,n why do we have to do the same things over and over and over.  I set myself up again.  In my comedy class I just thought I was so good at comedy and wrote all this stuff and was really excited about it.  I was scared, out of my body, felt horrible and think I made a fool out of myself.  I ask the universe for help.  Does it really matter?  No so why the f*&k do I do it so much and it stings so deep and so long.  I want to hit people, I get mad.   Most mad at myself for setting myself up.  I do it over and over and over and over.   My songs my writing, my singing.   I really feel right now that I am not good enough at anything.   That is just not too much fun.  I can do a little of a lot and not one thing really really well.  I could act very very well when I was doing that but now I am so out of shape emotionally and don't really want to go there emotionally when you need too.   And I have anxiety attacks and I am afraid that I can't remember the words.  With all the practice I do and I am still a mess and it is nobody's fault bit my own.  Sixty f&&king years old and still having these issues is not a way that I want this year to turn out.   I ask for universal help.  I feel like I am not pleasing people either.  Am I dropping the ball on things?  Help me understand how I can make this work a little easier for me..  Who am I kidding.

Day 38 Where Does It Go

OMG  I fall back into the depths of ego, of feeling less than.  Caring what others think of me.  Of thinking I am too cool    I like to dress up and it may put people off.  I am so confident then wham  Where does it GO?????  I am so f"cking pissed inside.  I am so disappointed and I turned to food.  I stuffed food down my stomach.  Down my throat to fill me up.   I fell untalented, I feel defeated and disappointed.  I have to pull back.  I don't want to pull back and I felt so over the top and critical of myself.  Is this the leftovers from this morning?  I felt judged and it was in me more than out there.  I want to be funny, I want to be funny.  I want to be funny, I want to be original.   I over sang my song.  I just hated the whole thing...Is that tonight or what is going to happen.  Change in plans over and over and over and i am loosing my privacy and have to share my home.  I really have lots to work on don't I??  Is it getting close to my birthday, a big one or is it the Full Moon.  What ever it is, I don't like it.  I don't want to go back to the bad bad habits of being bad.  It truly doesn't matter what I did tonight.

Day 37 Full Moon Almost

This was a very very strange day and I really did keep my own energy while chaos was happening all around me.  We ended up laughing about all of it.  How was your day.  I am working on keeping my practice up so I can live the life I was meant to live.  It seems like it is happening, I am so grateful ...I am doing my portfolio of my photos.  And some other art work.  So I am doing my stuff.  Hope you are too.  Love..me

Day 36 Super Bowl

Started by soaking beans over night,  Then boiling them this morning for 2 hours while I built a fire, did my yoga, my meditation.  I kept a fire going all day.   I made a great big soup out of the beans.  I painted on wood, I tried to make a terrarium.  So many things.  Then I just realized how to do really really cool things on my camera.  I had actually wanted a whole program to do this kind of stuff.  And I already had what I needed.  I am having a really really great day. How bout you?

Day 35 Competition

Competition. I had the privilege like I talked about yesterday of seeing at least 60 kids singing.  Yes, singing.  I got musical theater.  I was scared at first because I had done so much work on the acting package.    But most of it was the same and as the acting form.   I kept my energy I had fun, I opened my heart and had all the energy I needed to make it there and make it home and enjoy the performances.  I had a blast.  I am having moments again that I have never known to have before.  I feel connected more, more in the moment and I have these beautiful experiences.
I say thank you and I really don't want to go down the road of cover-up  I like being me and I am me.  So There.  How about you,  I like you too.

Day 34 Decompress

Decompress, it is a word.  Who knew.  Yesterday with all of the illness, the light headedness and such.  What was all that?.  I thought I may be dieing.   Well,   I went to bed very very early and allowed things to progress.  I had put a lot of pressure on myself about this judging thing I am doing tomorrow.  It was a great big box of worry and I saw it in my dreams.  My heart rate and breathing changed when I thought of the day.  It is total fear of the unknown and not knowing how to do it, not doing it well enough, not trusting myself.  Loosing myself and making a fool in front of the kids.  My mind will go to mush.  Wow,  I have a lot of issues.  I wanted to call in sick and not do it.   Then the whole night went so awesome.  I slept most of the night but my in and out of sleep actually corrected my crazy doubts and fears.  I woke up ready to enjoy my day off and travel to a hotel in the sun,  I got to work on my stuff for tomorrow and I feel comfortable and I am looking forward to the challenge.  Not out of fear, but of excitement.  These kids area allowing me to enter their creative lives.  And it is such a privilege.  I have felt deeply connected and in the moment today.  Some things are surprising me I am so here.  I don't think I have been here this much.  That is what I want this year to be about.  Thank you.

Day 33 Light headed

Let uos talk about our bodies and stress.   I don't feel stressed but I am light headed and tired, and then I start to think something else is wrong.  I have headaches, and my stomach is bloated.  Why and I telling you this.   I am asking for the love of the universe to help me pull it together.  I have a very big weekend and maybe the fear of that is what I am doing. to myself.  I am judging many many teens for theater competition.  I want to do my best of course/.  There are still many things going on in my life.  I am getting closer to the Day of 60 years on this earth.
I had a big breakthrough  with my singing this morning.  Much good, much bad.  Much weird. That is life.   

Day 29 Lost

I lost this day somehow.  I am sorry precious day.   Now I feel so much better that this blog is for my eyes only right now.  It allows me to tell my truth.  Yes, to tell my truth.   I can let go of all those burdens of others energys.  Not that they are bad at all, but I do sometimes have a hard time allowing them to simply be themselves.  Thank you........

Day 32 New Month

This is a brand new month and this month is the month I was born in 60 years ago.  My mom and dad are gone and I am heading that way.   Well, I guess when you are born you are headed that way and you never know when it will happen.  We always forget that.  We get so caught up in this world we made up that we don't enjoy our bodies, our lives, what we have.  I am wanting the rest of my days on this planet to be filled with new things.  Like joy, living in the moment, giving more, inspiring people and loving more.  Living in the ocean of consciousness and creating.  I want to learn how I can create from that.  Even physical things, everything we have on this earth is created in this consciousness, from trees, to tables, the internet, our food, our rain, our sun, all of it.  I want to connect with that and learn how to create, like I said.  To create the vessel of abundance, freedom. heart ways.  Let that be me.  I feel like a leader that isn't leading,  I feel like a healer that is not healing.   I don't feel like a house wife but I am taking care of a house.  I don't feel like a wife and yet I am one.  I feel more like an artist, a creator, not a cleaner, or seller.   I don't like formal parties unless I am part of the hostess or a part of the cast, or producers or actress, or musician.  Is that vain?  I do like to go for others special occasions but I am not a partier right now.  I don't want to be around booze or eat to much.  I would rather do somethings creative or travel  or meditate, do yoga, ride a motorcycle just something a little different, peaceful, full of reconnecting and understanding my imprint in this consciousness.  People say I live in a bubble and that may be but my bubble seems clearer and more real to me than their bubble.   I AM SO GRATEFUL.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Day 31 Late

I really did just plain forgot to do my blog today.  What is up with that?  I am just getting back in the habit.  I am patient with myself and will you appreciate the same from you.  Do you give yourself that courtesy I pray so.