Day 49 Weather

Crazy weather, crazy thinking?   I really don't know what is on my mind today.  I got off to a rough start with no regular meditations or Yoga.  It was time to go to work before I knew it.  Barely got to eat breakfast.  The weather was sunny, rainy, sunny, hailing, wind, sun, it went on and on.  I really did sneak out and had some time to shop.  I didn't tell anyone.  And I spent almost 50 dollars and then charged at Costco.  It felt good, I hadn't had a moment to myself for a really long time.  Tomorrow I have too myself.  Yes, I have a day off tomorrow and I don't have to drive into town.  Unless Cooper wants to go.  But I thin khe will  like me just being home.  Wonder what the weather will be tomorrow.  I am so glad that I can type.  I am so glad that I have a home.  It is time to change the art in the living room.  What do I want in there.  Do I want more asian feel in there.  If I do I may need to panting a big Asian picture.   Maybe the cool tree picture I saw today.  I can make something like that.

Day 48 Surrender

I have to surrender I am ill of some sort.  This is going to be a long day.  I surrender to new things that I have found out about myself.  That I am more like my mother than I would ever ever want. Not the great things. The way she hd her feelings and hated what dad did.  I have learned how to do that.  I have done that with every man in my life. Like now. Let us have health and love and quiet mind please.  Birthday is coming.  Still sick but a little better I would think.....

Day 47 Puking

I puked and it was before work.  I had coughed so much that I puked.  And I really wanted too.  I thought if I could just  puke I would get that shit out of me.  Well that didn't get rid of it but I think I know what is going on.  It is the fear for my life and it is still in me.  I am angry and have no way to get this shit out of me.  I wish I did.  I wish I could get it out.  I think I am afraid to get rid of it.  OH, what a life we live.  Oh what suffering we can know.  Whitney Hustons life was filled with too much drama.   And she is gone.  Demi Moore isn't gone but she has so much drama in her life.  All these stars have too many dramas.  i guess it

Day 46 Cough

This is about a cough that just won't quite and one that is very annoying and I can't sleep with it.  I have to sit up.  Right now I am just wanting to go to bed.  Why can't I go to bed.  I will suffer through for others.  For the dog and for hubby.  This cough may be telling me something I have went to many doctors with these symptons and paid thousands of dollars and nothing.  I want to be quiet.  I want to be alone.  I want.  I want.  I want.
Sleep gives me quiet.  Except for all the lovely dreams that I have.   I want to rest, to be quiet.   And not cough.

Day 45 Dreams

I am wanting to live in my dream world sometimes more than the real world.  I have a band built around me I have men attracted to me. I make lots of money in fashion.  I do have to run a lot thought.  Lots of being chased.  But not as much as I was years ago.   I want to ride in my dreams.  Get my motorcycle and ride.  I think that would be the icing on the cake there.  I am doing many great things and feeling power and taking care of myself also.  Cooper is in my dreams a lot and is running around everywhere and I have to make sure he is safe.  That is hard.  I am just glad he is safe.  Comic class tonight and I really am going to be very humble, quiet and as for help.  I need better jokes.  Maybe I can do my top 10 lists they were pretty funny.   Help me universe.

Day 44 Right here

Right here Right now.  I have my feet down and I have a breath going in.  I am trying to write a few jokes for school, for my comedy class.  I have to let go of last week and surrender to the now and the next step.  Be positive for everyone and have some fun.   Tomorrow is valentines day and I don't have anything for my dear hubby.  Or my Coopie.  So what shall I do.  I am not sure right now.  Maybe a special meal.  I do that everyday.  Maybe a card, maybe a tattoo maybe a bean salad.  No I am just random right now.  IF I don't have my homework  OH well.  I am doing the best I can with the time that I have.  right here, right now.

Day 43 Home

Yes, we made it home.  We stopped at Costco and bought lots of food.  I cooked a great dinner and Cooper is glad that we are here.  We left him and had others stop by and be with the little one.  I missed him but it was very good for relationship to be with my husband without the dog.  So that I could try and be a little more understanding and accepting.  I have to learn how to live this life that I have don't I.  I want to live the life in my head, in my dreams,  lots of great stuff in there.  Well, I still will  allow the universe to make my decisions and still have those thoughts and dreams out there.  I want to serve mankind the best way that I can.  I want to be a leader.  I am so glad I am not distructive, or am I??  I still want to eat to much,  I want to spend too much.  Things that I don't need just that I want them,  I want them to make me feel better.  That is not what it is all about and I am taking a look at that.