Day 42 Shopping

Shopping Heaven in Seattle.  Yes, I love the colors and all.  Nordstroms was so so cool.   And my hubby bought me clothes at H&M  and I got 2 tops, a skirt and a leather coat. (fake)  But was so so fun.  We got to go on a train.  A Light link.   We went farther and farther and saw more and more, then came home a passed out for a nap and got ready for the party.  Angry hubby got us there.  I really woke up realizing that I was still the one that pushes the relationship away.  I do live in a world that no one knows about.  I am asking the universe for a motorcycle and I want to ride for all woman.  I want to ride Freda Amelia  That is my grandma.  She went blind and I didn't know her very well.  That is just one thing I want to do.  I want to travel across the US and be an inspiration for people.  I want to play music for people.  I want (none of those things are things that are in my life) (none of those things I have told my husband)  (I haven't told anybody anything). So I do live in a bubble.   I like  my bubble but I don't let others into this bubble.  Maybe I need to take a look at that.

Day 41 Go

Rock n Roll.....Yeah.  We went to Seattle to Rock Out and we did.   Met  up with some of our old Rock n Roll friends and it was awesome.  Vicki my old guitar player. Soozy, my friend. for over 30years of rock n roll, my niece and Jerry a guitar player for my hubbys band.  How much more than that.  I didn't even get to play my guitar.  Oh well.  We are home now.

Day 40 Get over it

I will probably repeat myself over an over in this blog, because I can.  I see how I have been living in a bubble and what is wrong with that.  As I see it it is way better than the angry people I see around me.  Is life really worth it.  Get over it, I say.   Just get up another day and do your best until there are no more days.  How will that be?  Have some fun and dress the way you want too.  I love you and a trip is coming up to a rock n roll weekend.  Enjoy and have some fun for God's sake.  Love again.

Day39 Mad

I am not really mad but come o,n why do we have to do the same things over and over and over.  I set myself up again.  In my comedy class I just thought I was so good at comedy and wrote all this stuff and was really excited about it.  I was scared, out of my body, felt horrible and think I made a fool out of myself.  I ask the universe for help.  Does it really matter?  No so why the f*&k do I do it so much and it stings so deep and so long.  I want to hit people, I get mad.   Most mad at myself for setting myself up.  I do it over and over and over and over.   My songs my writing, my singing.   I really feel right now that I am not good enough at anything.   That is just not too much fun.  I can do a little of a lot and not one thing really really well.  I could act very very well when I was doing that but now I am so out of shape emotionally and don't really want to go there emotionally when you need too.   And I have anxiety attacks and I am afraid that I can't remember the words.  With all the practice I do and I am still a mess and it is nobody's fault bit my own.  Sixty f&&king years old and still having these issues is not a way that I want this year to turn out.   I ask for universal help.  I feel like I am not pleasing people either.  Am I dropping the ball on things?  Help me understand how I can make this work a little easier for me..  Who am I kidding.

Day 38 Where Does It Go

OMG  I fall back into the depths of ego, of feeling less than.  Caring what others think of me.  Of thinking I am too cool    I like to dress up and it may put people off.  I am so confident then wham  Where does it GO?????  I am so f"cking pissed inside.  I am so disappointed and I turned to food.  I stuffed food down my stomach.  Down my throat to fill me up.   I fell untalented, I feel defeated and disappointed.  I have to pull back.  I don't want to pull back and I felt so over the top and critical of myself.  Is this the leftovers from this morning?  I felt judged and it was in me more than out there.  I want to be funny, I want to be funny.  I want to be funny, I want to be original.   I over sang my song.  I just hated the whole thing...Is that tonight or what is going to happen.  Change in plans over and over and over and i am loosing my privacy and have to share my home.  I really have lots to work on don't I??  Is it getting close to my birthday, a big one or is it the Full Moon.  What ever it is, I don't like it.  I don't want to go back to the bad bad habits of being bad.  It truly doesn't matter what I did tonight.

Day 37 Full Moon Almost

This was a very very strange day and I really did keep my own energy while chaos was happening all around me.  We ended up laughing about all of it.  How was your day.  I am working on keeping my practice up so I can live the life I was meant to live.  It seems like it is happening, I am so grateful ...I am doing my portfolio of my photos.  And some other art work.  So I am doing my stuff.  Hope you are too.  Love..me

Day 36 Super Bowl

Started by soaking beans over night,  Then boiling them this morning for 2 hours while I built a fire, did my yoga, my meditation.  I kept a fire going all day.   I made a great big soup out of the beans.  I painted on wood, I tried to make a terrarium.  So many things.  Then I just realized how to do really really cool things on my camera.  I had actually wanted a whole program to do this kind of stuff.  And I already had what I needed.  I am having a really really great day. How bout you?