Day 14 Inspired

I have done 3 new things this week and this one was one of the best ones.  It was learning how to judge a state conference for the theater departments in Oregon High Schools.  The people I met were passionate about the kids and allowing them to grow as people.  I loved it.  It will be a lot of work and a little overwhelming on the exact day.   But I am looking forward to that.
I have left my homework to the last minute.  I did discuss it with my hubby and got some insight about myself.  And I listened and it really helped me perceive myself and create a persona for my comedian stand-up.  It may not be easy for me as nothing seems to come naturally.  Like Singing, Acting, etc.  I mean it has all been hard work.   I don't understand, I don't feel like a natural at anything.   Let's see.   What do you think of yourself and what words would describe your persona?

Day 13 Blah

I woke up early and I didn't get to do what I really wanted too and I allowed other peoples crap put me in a mood.  The day kept going like that.  No, great energy and it was a very very beautiful day.  Went to a school to volunteer and that didn't go as planned.  The sun was shining but I just couldn't get out of it.   I didn't want to come home.  I just wanted to go to bed and I believe that is just what I am going to do here soon.
Didn't eat correctly and that may have made the difference.  Still tired.   I got disappointed and thought anything I can think of that I am special has already been done.  I really am not original at all.  I am tired of working so hard to feel good.  I wanted to fill up  a big hole with candy, or buy something. That is the addiction in it's worse case.  I can't go down that road.  I would rather go to bed.

Day 12 Offer

What do you have to offer?  What if everyone has something special for the time and space of their life?  What would yours be?  Would you be able to show it or fulfill that purpose?  Also is there a time that it will run out before you die?  Or a time that is missed if you aren't open to it or Ready for it? 
Take a look at that, I am.  And I may be close to knowing what that purpose is.  And everything has led me to this very moment to have it manifest in my life.  This is without attachment but with great enthusiasm.  Keeping the mystery alive in my life.  Not worrying about tomorrow.  What do I have to offer?   Let's find out.

Day 11 Owning

Today I woke up with a very active mind, then finally it settled and I felt so so awesome.  What I owned was that I have a talent for the energy in a room and how things need to be put and how they work together.
I also owned that I am an awesome teacher,  I had a private lesson and the girl asked for me.  I am owning my body a little more.  Owning my voice also.
There are some things that are scaring me though.  My new class, a comic class, oh, my gosh.
I have to create comedy out of my own life.  I had to deal with my critic last night at class and after class.   Not as bad as usual but it was there.  And I wondered why I had to do that.   I don't have to do that.  I want to have some fun and laugh..  That is why I took the class.
OWN it.   I am.

Day 10 Forgiveness

Will I forgive myself for not blogging yesterday or not posting the day on the wall.  Yes, I will.
I have been busy, hubby home and remodeling the bathroom and not being able to focus on anything like normal.  My job has fallen apart, my bathroom is gone and I have to redesign it.
A new class tonight and I may be afraid of that too.  I am not attached.  I forgive myself.  Non of it truly matters. 

Day 9 Fiocus

Did it.   Or not.  No I didn't.  Focus now.   I am a day late.

Day 8 Do It

Do it, Do it, Do it, Do it.   I procrastinate.  I do it over and over and again and again. And I trip over things on the floor, I put one pile on another.  I keep sorting and sorting and sorting.  What is up with that?   I Do it.  Can you.  I really just got rid of some things I have been carrying around for days.
I want all of my pages of suffering for 50 years thrown away.  I don't want anyone to read them, they will do no good for no one. They were stories upon stories and then another story on that.  Oh, see, that really is true.  I am not good enough.  I want to be happy, I just suffered and wa in a prison no matter what I did.  There were moments,  very very few.  I can remember them.
Do it, what does that have to do with suffering, or my journals.  Well, I made up excuses and didn't think I was worth anything so why would it work.
Acting was the thing that brought me to focus on a great thing that I thought would be my lifes work.  Politics, self doubt, self destruction and more stories of not being good enough pulled me under and I allowed it.  I believed that was what I was.  
I am not my what I do for a living, I am not even my body, I am an energy that won't ever fade. My body will die, everything will change.  Everything.  The world we are creating is ever changing, the life we are creating in this creative universe is moving all the time. All the time.
This is a big year for me and I desire it very differently so I have to change what I am creating by recognizing my thought patterns and  change them.  Connect, be quiet, Listen, Don't fall into old patterns.   I got a head start before this year and I plan on keeping that path till death do us part.